why bother?

gosh. am just completely drained.. endurance has its limits. and we have endured for sososososososososososososo long. and yet.

nvm. gosh. okay. embarassing to say that i broke down during training today. gah. whyy? ridiculous la.... nyeh

okay. we were all spazzing bout trg all day. like reaaaally spazzing. and when school finally ended, we're like, -shudder. and i was seriously hysterical. goshh. esp since Something baaad happened and praya hadta go home. yup.. scary stuff..

then we fall in to report. then saw 1sg coming down amphi steps and i was like -cries. gosh. cant believe myself la. strange me.. okay. that's One.

then normal stuffs.. go netball courts.. pt.. i was kinda annoyed i guess. They were like.. dont care at all and well.. stuffs.. sigh. anw, then i got real pissed i spose cos then i did that thing that i do when i get pissed. like, i was timing louder (albeit high pitched..?) and was going wayy fast. then also i felt.. numb. there wasnt any pain at all and i was hardly even sweating.. hmms.

yeah, well, then after that we did suicides. 18 rounds. nyeh. my ankle hurt sia. but we were stopped at 17 cos it started to rain. dang.. so we went to the covered walkway.. did 240 jumping jacks. sposedly 100 but somehow they increased it..? so, heck la. we can do it.. easyy. anw, then i dunooo. i got pissed Again. i was staring at the rain coming down. and like it was super heavy.. torrential rain? hahs.. the water was just like lashing at the ground. "heavens are crying for us" crap. was somewhat entranced and just kept going. fasterfaster. louderlouder. then suddenly 1sg nadiah yelled "Part Cs cut!" then silence. then i turned. sn was crying badd. and zr started too. then i bit my lip. i was crying. like damnnn. we were sposed to be strongg. they cant break us..gah! i duno. i cried cos i felt.. selfish? stupid really.. ryt? sigh.

this is what They have broken us down to? breaking down in the middle of pt?? Hugging?! for goodness sake.. dont You know how badly You are affecting us just because of Your selfishness. it may be in Your hands but You're just crushing it. not us. im damn well sick of everything. everythingg.

then we had psycho session. despicable. dont even bother hiding the Fact that it was that, a Psycho session. what's worse? i was taken in by what they said. a bit. just a bit. and it made me feel so damn bad. i cried. Again. gahh. i changed my nominations again. but it wasnt what they wanted. i dont think it was. i dont know why it matters really. it all comes back to the pltn. One for All. All for One. we intend to keep it that way.

ncos wrote us a letter in the end.. i duno. maybe they meant it? maybe they didnt. well, i'll try to keep the animosity aside. but seriously we really did respect you. all of you. you were all this really zai part. and we know we can never match up to your standard. but we try okay. we really do. Not that you realize, im sure.. But what's the pointt?

seriously. the psycho session was effing bullshit. it was sooooo contradictive. my mouth atually fell open. like -blinks. haha.. sadsadd.. Do You practise what you preach? haha. and they've got a different interpretation of traditions.. making a part like you may Not be your Job. but keeping the company alive. the company spirit burning. the bond that goes beyond what any outsider can possibly imagine. That is what makes us special. not just our standard.. whatever happened to all that?

i do love the company. i love my juniors. i love pltnmates. i dont hate you, if that's what you really want. i just dont like you very much. nopee..

start over. on a brand new slate. okay. ill be positive about it. and i bet if you read this. which you probably do. i guess you might decide that you dont want that at all. in fact, you probably hate us even more. well. i dont know. if you can be so open about it. so can i, right? or maybe. i just dont care what you think anymore. cos maybe. you just dont matter. to me at least. you cant break meee. okay. you have. but not anymore. -cringe. owell. doesnt fucking matter. not long now..

`bangg.