life is difficult. and being too self-aware just sucks.
like you know how crying can be relieving? well i cant even cry without suddenly having another me staring out through my eyes and at my hands over my eyes and thinking how just bloody stupid and drama it is. so then i stop, numbed and wonder, what now?
or how i cant even feel sorry for myself proper without thinking that im selfish and that there are other ppl have it much worse than me. well i cant help them anw and then i dont even help myself.
or like how i care so much for other ppl, tt i disregard my studies, my future and what's best for me simply because i believe too much in others or that others will change. but they wont, and i just dont have the guts to do what i ought to.
i hate i hate i hate pretending. i am fucking drama but god i just wish i could just be real, but noone wants to be there for a sad lump. i am broken and scared and hurt but i cant show it. nope not at all.. =)
i love you so much// love isnt like this.
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